Ask one2one

Hi, I am 30years old and in a steady relationship that we were hoping may lead to marriage soon. I have a problem with my partner i had been abstaining till last month when we decided to get intimate with her, this was my first time having sex ever, the problem is that my girlfriend is  now complaining that I have a small dick and  I didn’t satisfy her I think it’s because I was anxious . I’m feeling annoyed due to this problem and am scared that it may affect our relationship.

Sexual performance anxiety is extremely common, especially among men. There is a great deal of pressure in society to perform in sexual situations, as a person's lovemaking ability is often judged as a part of their personality. Anxiety over sexual performance also tends to be self-sustaining. It can lead to issues like premature ejaculation or trouble getting aroused, and this contributes to sexual performance anxiety in the future

 Everyone can overcome these issues, but it takes work, dedication, and smart decisions. Some important tactics for overcoming this anxiety may include:

1. Tell Your Sexual Partner about It – One of the worst things you can do when you have this type of performance anxiety is try to fight it without telling your partner. That will cause your anxiety to get much worse, and you'll pay too much attention to how every movement feels. Strongly consider telling your partner before you make love that you have this anxiety and the feelings it causes. Most likely your partner will understand, and the two of you can work on it together.

 2. Make Love – Ideally, this partner will be someone that you can continue to be intimate with in the long term. Experience – especially with the same person – is a cure for sexual anxiety. That's because experience tells your mind that no matter your abilities, this partner isn't going away. It reduces the fear that your sexual performance is going to hurt your sex life.

3. Don't Be Shy About Delivering Foreplay – While some men and women struggle receiving foreplay when they have performance anxiety, they can still provide it. A great deal of performance anxiety relates to worries over how much the partner is enjoying the experience. You can reduce some of those worries by being more giving with foreplay, so that even if your sexual performance isn't what you or your partner wanted, your partner will still be satisfied.

4.  Exercise – Being confident in your body and your energy is also an important part of overcoming sexual anxiety. The more you're not thinking about yourself and how you look, the easier it is to engage in sexual activity without stress. Strongly consider picking up exercise if you haven't yet to ensure that you're as confident as possible.

 5. Behavioral Practice – Finally, don't forget about behavioral practice. This is more for men than women, but there are strategies (such as the stop/start masturbation method) that can improve your ability to make love confidently. You can also consider this same type of behavioral practice while making love. You and your partner can discuss strategies, and be open about needs and desires in order to have the best intimate moments possible.

Finally, you'll absolutely need to control your overall anxiety. Those that have anxiety are far more prone to experiencing anxiety in the bedroom, and no amount of practice is going to take that way.

Hi one2one am Isaac 24 years old from KU. I have been sick for the past 3 months and I don’t seem to get better even if I take medications. I visited the last doctor and he said my issue was stress. I don’t seem to find out what’s really stressing me. However have been upset with my last unit exam results and also the big number of siblings, we are 10 at home and my parents not being able to cater for them in terms of school fees. Lucky me I have HELB program that pays my fees. This is normal stress so I’m trying to find out new stress.  I have also tried to Google on the stress and its signs and decided to seek your help. Please help I don’t want to be sick again.

Thanks Isaac for seeking our support in your issue. It’s also encouraging you read about stress. So you may know stress is a normal physical response to events that make one feel threatened. This may upset ones balance in some way thus the body’s way of protecting one from what they are going through. Maybe you would not have noticed if you didn’t keep falling sick to know there are issues you need to deal with in your life despite your daily routine.

So having said that, the issues in your life at present like not performing well in the unit you did, also the number of siblings and your parents not being able to provide like you would want they are issues enough to cause you stress Isaac. You need to note them down and see those you can work out and those you can’t you let go or address them to the relevant person.

Being upset for failing one unit this means you are a bright student Isaac you need to refocus yourself and you will achieve better results by end semester if you don’t let it drag you down. I guess there is nothing much you can do with the large number of siblings you got but accept the fact and also I don’t think you are in a position to pay school fees for them but study hard and may be in future you may support them.

Finally put down any other issue you think you left out and see if it’s something you can change, if so work out on it and if it’s one you can do nothing about, speak it out and at times sharing works magic to some stress. You need to seek counseling to bring out some long time issues if that’s the case and you can visit your university counselor or call one2one hotline free; 1190.

Hi, am 23 years, a University student, born again Christian and my relationship with God means a lot to me. However, am struggling with masturbation, it has been a thorn in my flesh, I feel guilty, ashamed and a hypocrite, it is against my Christian belief and I cannot continue this way, it   feels like am preaching water and drinking wine. Please help me, I want to stop, but how do I do it?

Very many born-again Christians struggle with masturbation, you are not alone and I truly appreciate your courage to share what you are going through, opening up to someone is very therapeutic.  We are all human and we all have sexual desires,

Masturbation happens in every culture, across every period of history, and it's the way most adolescents discover what they enjoy before embarking on adult sexual relationships. It has no health related problem; however, if it is becoming an obsession that inhibits other aspects of your life, or you belong to a religion or philosophy that forbids masturbation, it's possible to curb the impulse.

Remove anything that tempts your urge to masturbate. Some common enabler’s access to pornographic material, if you have a collection and you're serious about quitting masturbation, you'll have to dispose it. Burn or shred papers, wipe your hard drive, and set up controls on your Internet browser that block adult content.

Boredom is the second enabler, if you have so little to do that your mind frequently wanders to sexual thoughts, occupy your schedule. You'll find it gets easier to avoid masturbation if you're too busy or tried to spare any energy for distractions.

 Thirdly, if you masturbate frequently because you feel lonely, find ways to limit your solitude. For instance, instead of sitting at home alone after class, you can watch a motivational movie. Even if you're not hanging out with friends, you will not be alone, ultimately having no time for masturbation

It is important to find another outlet for time and energy, Fill your life with engaging activities. The excitement of doing something different can help replace the urge to masturbate, and you'll have a go-to distraction next time you're tempted. Be creative, find a new hobby and do sports to burn the sexual energy is paramount to join a youth group meeting in your church when you are free and participate more in the church activities.

Stopping masturbation is a process that requires commitment; you should remain patient and perseverant. Set up a reward system. Like after two weeks of not masturbating you can treat yourself to small reward like an ice cream or just a nice treat to appreciate your effort.

If you try all this and still you are not in control, you can call our friendly toll free confidential service 1190, the One2One hotline

Hi, am Jackie 21 years old campus student. I have lived with my elder sister in town since I was in secondary school as she supported me since we come from humble background. Two months ago, her fiancé came home with champagne while my sister was out for night duty and offered me some. The following day, I woke up and found myself naked, only to realize that we had unprotected sex. Yesterday I felt unwell and after going to hospital, I was found to be pregnant and HIV positive. Kindly assist me because am stressed up and don’t know if I should abort or not.

Jackie this is something that has already happened and cannot be reversed. There is need to evaluate other options other than abortion, like keeping the pregnancy and donating to children home after birth. Also discuss with your sister’s fiancé and find out what he has in mind about it. Abortion has many implications which include excessive bleeding which can lead to shock and finally death, infections which can affect fertility in future, guilt, uterine perforations and prosecution.

It’s important to keep these in mind incase abortion becomes your last option and need be aware about post abortal care and facilities that do offer them. There is need for behavior change, plan for condom use consistently and correctly or abstain to prevent unwanted pregnancies and HIV/STI transmission, enrollment in a care clinic, ongoing counseling, disclosure your HIV status to your sister’s fiancé and your boyfriend if you do have, to cut the chain of HIV transmission.

Hi, I am in a dilemma, My boy’s girlfriend wants me. This is quite a kicker because I want her too. The main issue here is that I am very close with my friend and would not want to destroy our friendship, but the girl is mighty fine and would not mind having her in my life. This is at a cost to our friendship, what do I do? Whom do I hold dear? Whose interests should I consider first? I do not want to hurt any on them.

I empathize you on this very tricky issue which indeed is a hard one as you put it. Sometimes people find themselves in such such a dilemma.

Decisions which we make affect our lives and those people who are around us. Having that in mind it’s also important to appreciate that being attracted to other people and vice versa is normal. It’s very important to treasure friendship and build trust with your friends. This does not mean you won’t have clash at times. You need to be genuine enough to appreciate what others have while at the same time being respectful enough to know that we cannot have everything we want. About having both relationships it’s difficult to have your cake and eat it too. So for you to have one you need to forfeit the other. Make a choice you can live with bro… the right choice .you can find further help from a counselor by either texting or calling for free at 1190.

Hi, My name is Betty and I have a friend who is always looking down on me. This is because she comes from a well to do family and I do not.  I like hanging out with her because I get to go to all these cool places that I cannot afford. The problem is she treats me very badly and always points out how I am benefiting from her, I know this is true but I wish she did not tell everyone and just told me in person instead. What do I do? I do not want to miss the good and cool life that she comes with

As human beings, we all have a desire to belong, we all want the good things life has to offer, yet we do not chose where to be born, but we can choose where to go. Betty, if feels bad to be looked down at especially on circumstance that you cannot change at the moment- like the difference in your background at that of your friend.

Betty, people come to our lives for different reasons, just like we walk to their lives with our own intention, you have clearly stated that you would not wish to lose the cool and good things she comes with, and that she is aware of your intentions, if you were her and you had this friend who all she wants is what you have, how would you feel?

Friendship is  a two way thing, we all have expectations, if you want her to be good to you, protect your image, give you the good things, what is she getting in return? Can you say that you are a loyal friend? Would you be included in her list of genuine friends?  . Friendship is about mutual support, love, respect, sacrifice, and understanding, it is important to talk to your friend about your feeling of her sharing’s your issues with others, but before going to  talk to her examine yourself and your own intentions and see what your contribution can be to create a healthy and genuine friendship.

Betty, being looked down at can have effect on your self-esteem, instead of choosing to depend on your friend, what about you accepting your situation at the moment, accept yourself and work hard to earn that kind of life that you desire, let this pain be your drive, let it motivate you towards excellence, better things are coming, do your best and remember you are destined for greatness!

During the December holidays I went out for a party with my male cousin and in the course of merry making I was drugged and raped by some of the party attendants including my cousin. I haven’t shared this with anyone because I feel dirty and used. I have since stopped talking to my cousin and every time a man approaches me I freeze because the memories are still very fresh. I have reached a point where I even abuse men who try to befriend me. Indeed it is a sad situation to be in where a relative betrays the trust you had of him with such an act.

When one is raped there is always a tendency of guilt and blaming themselves for the event especially if it happens the way it did, in a party. It is always necessary for you to know it’s not your fault and you never called for such an eventuality and you must always separate yourself from the perpetrators because they are the ones that have a problem not you. Worse still if this happens in the presence of a relative and a person whom you trusted. One feels like they have been ripped off anything that mattered to them in life. This requires one to seek face to face counseling to be able to get help on how to deal with the trauma and guilty feelings which can keep haunting you and stop you from functioning well.

It is recommended when a person goes through such an experience it would be important to seek medical help and support within three days, this is to help prevent contracting sexually transmitted infections like HIV, pregnancy and also get treatment for injuries. It would also be important to confide in someone you can trust, who can also help you report this to the authorities as this would help in getting justice and as a result get closure while still getting a sense of security because the perpetrators would be behind bars.

I'm a 16 yrs old jamaa and have strong feelings for a buddy of mine who is also a jamaa. Am I gay?

Many guys, particularly during adolescence, have sexual feelings for other guys - though very few jamaas will admit it! Having sexual feelings for other jamaas at some point in a guys life is common and considered a normal part of sexual development. For most guys these feelings are just a phase but for a few jamaas, these feelings stay with them all their lives. Some of these guys refer to themselves as gay meaning they are exclusively attracted to other guys - or bisexual meaning they are attracted to both men and women. Many gay and bisexual people say that they had no choice; that they were born that way and can not change their feelings. Ultimately many gay and bisexual people only find peace when they accept who they are. There's no rush for you to decide what your sexual orientation is [meaning whether you are gay, heterosexual (straight) or bisexual]. Don't put pressure on yourself that makes you feel guilty for experiencing these feelings. If you have a trusted friend then it might help you to share this with them, just be careful who you trust with this information and give yourself time.

Hi, I am 28 years old and married. I have a problem with premature ejaculation and I feel I don’t satisfy my wife sexually. I feel angry for my inability to satisfy her and I feel afraid because it might become a problem in future. I have started avoiding sex because of embarrassment and this has brought about a lot of issues and arguments with my wife. How can I remedy the situation?

I must commend you for being courageous enough to seek advice. Most men experience premature ejaculation at one point in their lives. Premature ejaculation can be caused by either anxiety or it might be a health related issue. The first step is to discuss with your wife your problem. Communication is essential in such issues and it builds trust in a relationship because love making involves both partners.  

In addition, you can work together on different techniques for helping to delay ejaculation. One effective technique is the squeeze technique. The first step begins with sexual activity as usual, including stimulation of the penis, until you feel almost ready to ejaculate. At this point, have your wife squeeze the penis at the point where the head (glans) joins the shaft, and maintain the squeeze for several seconds, until the urge to ejaculate passes. After the squeeze is released, wait for about 30 seconds, and then go back to foreplay. Squeezing the penis causes it to become less erect, but when sexual stimulation is resumed, it soon regains full erection. The process can be repeated for as long as you both require. This prolongs the love making session and can be a break to try something else hence increasing intimacy.

You can also include some foods to increase your libido and sex drive. These foods include avocados, bananas, vegetables, seafood, nuts, eggs, pumpkin seeds, honey, water melons, carrots, tomatoes, garlic, hot peppers and chocolate. You can also include Kegel exercises for both you and your partner which strengthen the pelvic muscles.

Hi, I am 18 years old girl from Limuru who cannot live without a boyfriend or man. I have been heartbroken by many men who professed their love to me and left as soon as they were done with me. I also rely on them for decisions and when I am left alone, I feel so lost. I once gave in to sex to keep a man and opted to be drug induced before having sex so that I don’t resist. In the process I got addicted. My mother found out and chased me away from home calling me a prostitute. I do not know what is wrong with me, please help!

Your problem seems to be as a result of esteem. A lot of girls feel that they are not self-confident enough to be on their own. This might be the reason why you give up everything to hold on to men who provide a pillar for you.  This means you have an emotional gap that needs to be filled. You are not worthless and there are some aspects of you that you appreciate. The answer lies within you and not with other people. You need to make a habit of acknowledging your achievements and also challenge yourself for more and greater. The NACADA hotline can further assist you with the addiction and possible rehabilitation. 



I'm an 18 year old chic and I had unprotected sex with my boyfie three weeks ago. I think I have an infection. What are common signs of STIs?

The surest way of knowing if one is infected with a sexually transmitted infection (STIs) is to go for a test at a health clinic or hospital. However the following are common signs of STIs in both women and men:

Signs in women:

  • Itching around the vagina or discharge from the vagina
  • Itching around the anal area or discharge from the anus
  • Pain during sex or when urinating
  • Sores, blisters, small hard growths or rashes on or around the vaginal or anal area
  • Pain in pelvic area (the area below your belly button)

It is very important to know that many STIs have no early symptoms -especially in women - which is all the more reason to have regular check ups.

Signs in men:

  • A discharge from the urethra (the tube that runs from the bladder to the tip of the penis) which is different from urine or semen (sperm)
  • Pain during sex or when urinating
  • Pain in or around penis, testicles or anus
  • Sores, blisters, small hard growths, rashes, irritation or itching near the genitals or anus
  • Pelvic or lower abdominal pain

I'm a 16 year old guy and started masturbating about a year ago. I do it almost every day. Is it going to damage me?

Masturbation (sometimes called wanking) means using the hands to rub or massage the penis or the vagina (specifically the clitoris) to achieve a feeling of intense pleasure. There are lots of different ways of doing it but the outcome is usually the same – i.e. orgasm. Orgasm refers to the point of intense excitement in which the genital muscles enter into a series of highly pleasurable contractions, at which point a guy will ejaculate [cum] and a woman will experience enormous pleasure!

Whilst masturbation can involve another person, most people think of it as a very private act. Masturbation is a healthy way to express and explore your sexuality and to release sexual tension without all the associated risks of sexual intercourse. This act is a natural and normal mode of self-exploration and sexual expression.

Unfortunately, many people find themselves feeling guilty or shame as a result of masturbating. This is largely because we are told by parents, teachers, pastors and preachers that it is wrong. Our advice is to trust your own experience and put aside what other people say about sex and sexuality. You are able to make your own choices about what you feel is right and wrong and shouldn’t be made to feel guilty by anyone for doing something that almost everyone does – including those who say it is wrong!

Masturbation has no medical or psychological effects and will not damage you. As long as one is not doing it in inappropriate places, and not fantasizing about unhealthy behaviors like rape, then it is healthy and normal part of sexuality and sexual expression – and 100% safe.

I was having sex with my boyfriend and condom broke. What made it burst?

Firstly, BIG respect to you for protecting yourself and your boyfriend. Now, there are so many factors that can make a condom burst but mostly a condom bursts because it wasn’t used correctly. Some examples of this are:

  • If the condom is not put on/worn properly
  • If it’s expired
  • If it is used with an oil based lubricant (like Vaseline).

So… This is how you use a condom CORRECTLY!

Step 1

  • Check the expiry date, printed on the condom packaging
  • Carefully open the packet being careful not to damage the condom. Avoid using sharp objects like scissors – also be careful if your finger nails are sharp!

Step 2

  • Make sure the penis you are putting the condom onto is COMPLETELY hard! You won’t be able to put a condom on a soft or semi-hard penis!
  • Hold the condom at the tip to remove the air to leave a space for the semen (sperm) then roll the condom down completely until the base of the condom

Step 3

  • Hold the condom at the base of the penis as the penis enters the vagina or anus (if you are having anal sex then you should be using a water-based lubricant – see more below on ‘what is a lubricant?
  • Remove the condom immediately after ejaculation (when the penis is still erect) using a tissue to avoid spillage.
  • Dispose the condom safely, like in a pit latrine, bury or burn it. Don’t put it in the toilet.

Note:

  • Don’t use more than one condom at a time – the two of them will rub together and cause them both to break or slip off
  • Never re-use a condom
  • Live by the rule “NO CONDOM – NO SEX!”

For more information on use of both male and female condoms visit your nearest VCT, health centers or call the One-2-One hotline.

It has been two months without my period. Could I be pregnant?

The ‘period’ (also called menstruation) is a woman’s monthly bleeding. The menstrual cycle is the amount of time between a woman's periods (the cycle is counted from the start of one period to the start of the next). Normal menstrual cycle last for 28 days but for some women it may be shorter, lasting 21 days, while for others it lasts up to 35 days. The normal amount of time a woman actually ‘bleeds’ is between 2 days to 7 days – although it’s important to know this is not actually blood – it is the temporary lining of the womb.

There are different factors that might lead a woman to miss or delay her period. Some of these reasons include:

  • Stress
  • Change in diet
  • Illness or sickness
  • Medication and drug use, including the contraceptive pill
  • Menopause (usually only in older women – when the body stops having periods)
  • Breast feeding
  • and, of course, pregnancy.


The surest way to confirm pregnancy is going for a pregnancy test at a family planning clinic. Pregnancy test can also be purchased at many pharmacies – just make sure you check the expiry date and follow the instructions carefully.

I have been having vaginal, oral and anal sex. Which one has the highest risk of HIV infection?

Vaginal sex is when an erect penis is inserted into a vagina. Unprotected vaginal sex puts one at high risk because there is exchange of body fluids (the natural lubricant produced by the vagina and the pre-seminal fluid and semen from the man). If the vagina is dry then this can cause friction is making both partners more vulnerable to HIV infection due to the bruising of the vaginal wall.

Oral sex is when a person uses his or her mouth, tongue and lips to lick a vagina or sucks a penis. Unprotected oral sex has minimal risks, however, if one has sores, cuts or open wounds in their mouth, on his penis, or her vagina then the chances of getting HIV/STI are increased. Although the risks are lower than vaginal and anal sex, it’s still advisable to use a barrier, like a condom or dental dam , when practicing oral sex.

Anal sex means when a guy puts his penis into the anus of another person. Unprotected anal sex (meaning anal sex without a condom) is the highest risk of HIV infection because the anus lacks natural lubrication and the penis can cause friction resulting  in small abrasions (wounds) putting both partners at high risk of HIV infection. It’s also important to know that the partner whose anus is penetrated is at higher risk for infection. To reduce the risk of HIV infection when having anal sex check out the lubricant section below.

What happens in a VCT centre?

Firstly, VCT means Voluntary Counselling and HIV Testing.

The VCT process usually takes about 45 minutes and confidentiality is highly maintained. When one gets to a VCT centre and asks for services one is given a card for identification and is NOT asked their name. Only you and the VCT counsellor will know what happens in the VCT counselling room and no-one will be told your HIV test result. 

Once the counsellor has welcomed you and introduced him or herself, they will start the counselling process in a private room. This stage is called the pre-test counselling and takes about 15 minutes and usually involves discussing issues like:

  • what one knows or understands about VCT
  • the difference between the HIV and AIDS is discussed
  • the different ways HIV can be transmitted
  • the client’s risk assessment
  • methods of HIV prevention
  • discussion of a risk reduction plan
  • and demonstration of how to correctly use both male and female condoms

Following this, the VCT counsellor will then ask if you wish to be tested. Testing is completely voluntary and you do not have to be tested if you don’t want to be. If you choose to be tested, then the counsellor will discuss the implications of you having a positive or negative test result, how you would live positively if tested HIV positive and how you will stay negative if tested HIV negative. He or she will also explain the testing process and what this involves.

The test itself involves pricking the tip of the finger to draw a very small amount of blood which is then placed on a test strip. The test is then left for 15 minutes and is then ready to be read.

Once the test is complete, the counsellor will help you interpret the test result and make sure that the result is correct. After that, depending on the result, the counsellor will answer any questions you have a support you to decide what to do next.

Finally, it’s important to know that you can go to the VCT with your partner or your friends and choose to be tested together or separately. Remember, you have the right to be treated with dignity and respect in the VCT. Counsellors are trained not to ‘judge’ their clients – so you can feel safe sharing your personal information and asking those difficult questions!

What is a lubricant?

A lubricant is any substance that a person uses during sex* to make the act more comfortable i.e. to make the act of penetration easier and to reduce friction.

“Sex” in this context can mean: vaginal penetration (where the penis, fingers or other object is inserted into the vagina), AND anal penetration (where the penis, fingers or other object is inserted into the anus).

There are lots of different kinds of lubricants used by lots of different people for lots of different sex acts; but the common ‘lubes’ used by many include:

  • Vaseline
  • Hand/Body Lotion
  • Sun-cream
  • Soap
  • Spit (saliva)
  • Blue Band/Kimbo or other cooking oils
  • KY Jelly
  • Egg

ALL of these lubricants can cause discomfort, irritation, infection and condom breakage except KY Jelly.

Why?

This is because Vaseline, hand/body lotion, sun-cream, soap and cooking oils are all OIL-BASED.

Oil very quickly acts to decompose latex when they come into contact. This is why OIL-BASED lubes should NEVER be used with latex condoms.

Whilst egg and saliva do no contain oil, they can still cause condom breakage because they dry out very quickly.

KY Jelly, which is a WATER-BASED lube, is safe to use with latex condoms.

The water-based lubricants available from LVCT are called ‘Assegai’ and come in sachets of 5ml. Each is printed with a batch number and expiry date. They contain water, glycerin, starch and preservative. They are non-toxic, non-staining, contain no oils, are pH balanced and 100% condom safe.

who should use lubes?

Since the anus and rectum are not self-lubricating (unlike the vagina, which produces a natural lubricant when a woman ‘gets turned on’), lubricants are extremely helpful for making anal penetration more comfortable and more pleasurable. Though the anus at times may feel wet, the small amount of natural mucus and sweat that are present can lead to discomfort, irritation, and infection without the addition of extra lube. So anyone engaging in anal sex, whether male or female, should use water based lubricants.

Some women, particularly older women, may experience ‘vaginal dryness’, where the vagina does not produce sufficient amounts of natural lube. These women may also benefit from water-based lubricants.

Also, female sex workers, engaging in vaginal sex with many partners, where they do not get ‘turned on’ and thus do not produce sufficient vaginal lubrication, should also use water-based lubricants.

How are they used?

The lubricant should be removed from the sachet and applied to the outside of the condom once the condom has been put on the penis correctly.

If the lubricant is put on the penis before the condom, the condom might slip off during sex.

A generous amount of lubricant can also be applied to the vagina or anus before penetration.

During sex, it is important to check the condom and see if any extra lubricant is required. At least 10mls (two sachets) should be used before and during the sex act.

Finally, it has been demonstrated that the use of water-based lubricants reduces condom breakage and when used in conjunction with consistent and correct condom use significantly REDUCES HIV transmission.

How can one maintain his/her relationship strong?

Here are some of the tips that one can use to make their relationship strong;

Trust - The development and nurturance of trust is important in any relationship because it is foundational. Relationships are not enjoyable if there is a lack of trust; they become uncomfortable. Choose emotions and words wisely. Measure your emotions according to the person's moods and needs. Words can build or destroy trust. They differ in shades of meaning, intensity, and impact

Understanding & Acceptance- More than any other characteristic in a relationship, people want to be understood and accepted.

Communication- It very important for partners to communicate effectively their feelings, concerns, fears and worries as this helps them to relate better. Communication is one of the strongest pillars of building a strong and healthy relationship.

Listen deeply- Powerful listening goes beyond hearing words and messages; it connects one emotionally with his/her communication partner. Listen to what the person is not saying as well as to what he or she is saying. Focus intently and listen to the messages conveyed behind and between words.  Listen also with your eyes and heart.

Feel Empathetically - Empathy is the foundation of good two-way communication.Being empathetic is seeing from another person's perspective regardless of your opinion or belief. Treat their mistakes as you would want them to treat your mistakes.

Honesty- Be honest with your partner at all costs.

Spending time together- Always make time to spend with that special person in your life.

Forgiveness- Forgiveness is essential for a strong relationship. Take the time to find it in your heart to forgive your mate.

Respect- remember people are unique in their own ways therefore it is important to respect each other’s values and beliefs.

Hi, am 14 and my penis is bent sideways. I'm afraid that the first time I have sex am gonna be ashamed and maybe my partner will laugh or even refuse to do it. Are there any drugs that one can take? Please help me?

Many guys worry about their penis shape, but penises come in all different sizes and shapes; some are straight while others bend different ways. Penis bend or curve doesn't matter much. It is common for a penis to have a curvy bend upward or a bit of a bend to the side. This natural bend makes no difference to how your penis might go about its business, including weeing, masturbating or having sex. The size and shape of the penis doesn’t matter, what matters is the relationship that you have with your partner. When the time will come for you to start engaging in sex, share with your partner your fears and feelings and discuss how you can support each other.

You need to accept and appreciate who you are. If you do that then the others including your partner will accept you for who you are.

When is a lady at a high chance to get pregnant and what is ovulation?

 A woman is likely to get pregnant when they are ovulating. Ovulation is the time when a mature egg is released into the fallopian tube. This usually happens around 14 days after the first day of a woman's last menstrual period and she is only fertile for a few days around the time of ovulation - this is why it is important for a woman to know to when she will ovulate.Therefore a woman can become pregnant from unprotected intercourse up to five days before and after ovulation. Sperm can survive in a woman's body for three to five days, waiting to fertilize that egg during ovulation.

Ovulation takes place, on average, about two weeks before your period, though it can vary from 10-16 days before the onset of menstruation. During an “average” 28 day cycle, ovulation is usually expected to take place between cycle days 13-15. Based on this guideline, many women are taught to expect ovulation around day 14 of their menstrual cycle. Many women, however, do not have average cycles and even those who usually do may see irregularities from time to time.

A typical menstrual cycle may be anywhere from 21 to 35 days. Ovulation, then, may occur much earlier or later than typical guidelines suggest. For example, ovulation may occur on cycle day 23 during a cycle that is 35 days long while ovulation may occur on cycle day 10 for a woman with a 24 day cycle. This variation among women and from cycle to cycle means that there is really no simple “one-size-fits-all”mathematical formula to calculate ovulation date.

It is important for a woman to understand her body and menstrual cycle well so that she can know when she is fertile or not fertile.

I was diagnosed with herpes a year ago and advised to go for a HIV test. Am however too scared to do so incase I turn out positive. Please advise me on how to get thru this coz I really want to get tested. Have been depressed for way too long now and I need some help.

Having a sexually transmitted infection does not mean that you have HIV; it only means that you exposed yourself to risky behavior which can lead to a HIV infection.

Taking a HIV test is not an easy decision; however it is a decision that is very important and has significance in your life. You said that you are scared to get HIV positive status but have you thought if your status is HIV negative. Sometimes we think so negatively that we don’t even see the positive side. It is important to have a balance and not only think about positive result but also negative result.

Knowing your status will help you plan your life whether positively- you will learn how to live positively and if negative- you will know how to protect yourself from infection.

If you have a trusted friend you can ask for his/her support by taking you to the VCT centre. It is not a must you take HIV test you can just go through counseling then make a decision to be tested or not.

It is only through the test that you will know your status.  You will never regret the decision of taking a test!!!!

I am a 22 year old guy in campus living in Rongai. I have been in a two year relationship with a beautiful girl before I joined campus. We have had a good relationship without major problems. However, there is this girl in my class that I have grown exceptionally fond off. We have been friends and because we share classes together, we spend a lot of time together. I enjoy her company and I have developed a serious attraction to her sexually. I meet my girlfriend once in a while but we hardly get intimate because of lack of time. I love her but I also like this other girl. What do I do?

It is very normal to be attracted to other girls even when you are in a relationship; it is part of normal human interaction. It is important to be faithful to one partner because the benefits are more than if you choose to be unfaithful. Faithfulness goes beyond sex but also builds trust, if you break her trust you will find that you will stop trusting in her also. You should confide in a close friend who will help you avoid being unfaithful. In the meantime, make effort in your relationship to be close emotionally and you will find that the intimacy issues do not arise.

 


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