Having a Toxic Relationship: Charlie 19

‘’I Was Called Toxic”

I was called toxic! I had yet to learn what this meant. My then-girlfriend, now my ex, now calls me toxic. We had been together for about a year, and things were going well. I thought I was doing everything right and that my relationship was healthy and thriving.

Still Toxic

This dream died the day I was dumped out of the blue because I was "toxic." I was surprised because of me. Toxic? I don't think so. In my eyes, I had done everything to keep my girl happy, and I did not get why she was calling me toxic, so I asked her to explain what I had done and why she broke up with me out of the blue.

Am I toxic?

Her reason was that she had given so much, and I never gave back. It was a take situation. I hadn't noticed until the day that she mentioned it. Then I realized that it was true, I am toxic. She was always there for me, present when I needed to complain and vent about my stuff. We would sometimes even talk about my problems until 1 am. She pointed out that I was always in a hurry to do my stuff, and I hardly listened to her or even asked how she was. Whenever she complained about an issue, I always pointed out what she did wrong instead of trying to make her feel better. She did not feel supported by me. She continued to mention that I gave her little time to share, and I was always in a hurry to hang with the boys, do my things, or sleep when she started talking to me at night.

You get back what you put in. 

The emotional labour she was putting into the relationship was a lot compared to what I was giving, and even as she complained, I felt the urge to point out to her how she had contributed to me giving her little time by saying something like "si ungekuja kuniambia hio story mapema saa zile tuko na time".

All these factors together opened my eyes. This made me realize that I was toxic; I wanted to blame her for everything that was going wrong, but all she was doing was trying to talk to and connect with me. That was a moment of realization for me, a lightbulb moment. Is this how my behaviour has always been, even in past relationships? I was disappointed in myself.

My eye opener.

I'm glad I got to know this. I know better now. I need to reciprocate what my girlfriend gives me so that I am not burdening her with my emotions, and at the same time, I need to be more supportive and attentive to her needs.