Finding Love after My therapy Sessions - Bright 21

Laughing at our problems

My friends and I used to joke about how "therapy ni ya wenye pesa" (therapy is meant for people who have money). We swore we would rather die than be caught going to therapy. When we hung out, we would always talk and laugh at each other's problems, occasionally rating who had the worst problem compared to the rest of the group, while we hoped that the laughter would fade our troubles away. Deep down, I hid behind these laughs and wanted my troubles to disappear.

All I ever wanted was a happy childhood and a loving home. But instead, life gave me a home filled with bickering, blame and unhealthy relationships.

"the damage had already been done."

My parents quarrelled day and night. During the day, I opted to play outside, and at night I hoped sleep would take me away fast. My mother struggled to care for us and always reminded us of how useless my dad was. My parent's quarrels went on until they went their separate ways when I was 16. But the damage had already been done.

Because I witnessed how my parents grew to dislike each other, and my mother always reminding my siblings and I how useless my dad was, as well as seeing my dad put little to no effort into supporting us, I had such a huge challenge when it came to dating later in life. I could not maintain a healthy relationship. I always sabotaged all the good relationships because, at the back of my mind, I wondered if my relationship would be like the one my parents had.

Stop daydreaming

I decided to focus on my studies and my work. Sometimes, I would imagine a future with a perfect family, then force myself to snap out of my daydreaming because I was convinced that would never happen. Interestingly, my older sister had been in a long and happy marriage. She has always been my role model, but when it came to her relationship, I always thought she was lucky to have gotten a man, unlike our father. I did not believe that I could be as lucky as she was.

Therapy works?!

I opened up to her about my relationship challenges and how I have always been scared to commit fully when in a relationship. She told me that she had been in the same place before but decided to go to therapy, which helped her understand herself and her fears. That is how she stopped believing she would get into a marriage similar to our parents.’'

I went against my beliefs about therapy and decided to try it. I had convinced myself to try at least two sessions, and if it didn't work, I would stop going. However, I went back repeatedly because my therapist helped me understand much about myself. I learnt and unlearned things during the sessions. She challenged me very well and helped me learn to accept myself and face my fears healthily.

Happy and content

A year later, I got into a relationship I did not try to sabotage. I realized that disagreements are a normal part of relationships, and what matters is great communication between two partners. My relationship is still going well, I go to therapy monthly and am very happy and content.

I would like to encourage everyone to get help when they are experiencing fears due to things that happened in their past. The past does not define you; everyone can choose a different path in life.