Managing My Relationship Struggles - Hellen 22

I trusted no one but myself.

Personal problems always felt like a burden. I thought I should always keep secrets deep inside, or somebody would use them against me. I trusted no one but myself. Despite the pain of harbouring those overwhelming feelings, I convinced myself that all would be well with time. Well, it wasn't. Instead, paranoia, trust issues and overthinking became my daily form of operating.

I grew accustomed to it.

All through my teenage life, my relationship with my father dwindled. I was disappointed and wondered what went wrong. From living together to being separated, he rarely contacted me. All I got was Happy New Year texts once a year. With time I grew accustomed to it because at least I had my mom, who was caring and loving. Right?

Overthinking made me push him away.

Years passed, and I had my first boyfriend. As expected, every relationship has its ups and downs. However, I didn't feel as happy as I thought. There was always something I got upset about. The fear of abandonment as my father did to me, anxiety about whether I was good enough, and overthinking made me push him away sometimes. Of course, I didn't tell him the truth, so I had to devise petty excuses to excuse my actions.

Courage to seek help

It was exhausting to live that life, to be honest. I finally dared to visit a counsellor at our Youth Center at the Kiambu County Hospital. She was attentive and listened to all I had struggled with. The conversation relieved me because I no longer felt like I had to hold in my pain. I truly believed there was a way out of how I was feeling. Venting was a perfect experience for me as I felt calm after that.

Light at the end of the tunnel

I kept visiting her for more sessions and began seeing a positive change in my relationship. It's safe to say that without seeking help from the counsellor, I wouldn't have experienced a loving relationship, and I would still be living as a shell version of myself.