My dark thoughts led me to have suicidal thoughts - Miriam

“I scored a very low grade.”
My trauma began after the Kenya Certificate of Secondary Education examination results were released in December 2019. I scored a low grade, which was unexpected. No one ever imagined I could attain a D+ on my final exam since I had always been an average student.

Feeling hopeless and helpless
After the results were released, I felt like everyone in my family was against me. No one wanted to hear from me, and my parents said I was a disgrace to the family because, as the last born, I scored the least expected grade. I was told that I was a failure and that I had embarrassed the entire family. These words hurt, and I cried so much. I felt hopeless and helpless because no one was on my side. No one offered me any support. This left me feeling all alone. I once tried ingesting one of our farm herbicides to commit suicide. I was rescued by my brother, who overheard me struggling in pain. I was taken to the hospital, and after a week, I was discharged and went home. My parents were so mad at me since I wanted to kill myself, but I felt it was all their fault that I felt like I wanted to die.

You are on your own
In January 2020, my parents told me they had done their part in raising me, and now it was my time to choose what I wanted for life. They said I could move out of their house and explore the world. I had just turned eighteen years old, very fresh from high school. I didn’t know what I wanted in life or what I should do in life. I was scared and could not stop crying. Finally, I tried to figure things out and decided to leave since I was uncomfortable. I was going through a lot of trauma, and it felt like everyone was against me. I approached one of my cousins who lived in our home town and was more than ready to accommodate me at her place.

A new beginning
I moved away from home and started living with my cousin. I continued to have suicidal thoughts as I had not healed from the rejection from my family. I was home alone most of the time since my cousin was working. This gave me time and space to think of various ways I would escape reality. I had a lot of negative thoughts, but I started keeping myself busy by reading novels and watching movies. Two weeks later, I got a waitress job in the hotel industry. This made me happy. The job kept me occupied, and I started saving the money I earned. Later, my cousin advised me to pursue a short secretarial course, which I did for three months. She
Later, she helped me get a job as a secretary in the organization she worked for. This was the beginning of a new phase of my life. I was happy and proud of myself.

Facing my parents
My cousin also linked me with a psychologist, and I started going to therapy. After a year of being away from home, my parents reached out and asked me to go home so that we could talk. I was hesitant at first, but I later decided to go. They apologized for what they had done, and I forgave them.
In my journey, I realized the importance of having someone who is a robust support system to help you get through the hard times. I also realized that therapy helps people process difficulties and start a new life.